Sometimes Babies are Disgusting

Yes, it’s true.  I don’t mean to burst your “my baby is the cutest thing ever” bubble.  I’m sure almost everything they do is cute.


You must not have experienced Baby’s First (or second) Cold yet.  Not cute.  Mostly sad and disgusting.  And maybe you’ve been told that old adage “it’s not gross when it’s your own kid”…well, that only goes so far.  Sure, I can handle a bit of spit up, drool and even getting some poop on me…no biggie.  But mucous?  Now that’s a bit different.

Sofia has had a cold for the last couple of days.  We could tell that something was up when she woke up soon after I’d put her down for the night, which was unusual.  You could hear the congestion in her nose.  This was hard because your options are so limited as to how to help, basically there are no options.  My cuddles helped a little and my shoulder served as a kleenex when she’d snuggle in.  Awesome.  We muddled through by putting her in her car seat for the rest of the night so at least she could sleep a little less congested.

I wasn’t ready for round two.  Daytime.  It was like someone turned on the taps and they were stuck.  The copious amount of mucous coming out was amazing.  The line between snot and slobber was completely blurred into all kinds of stringy liquid gel.  Mucous to me is a special kind of disgusting.  So I made a special trip out to pick up an infant aspirator.  Here is a picture of what they make you think the experience will be like:

While the model I used was quite different (there was no way my mouth was getting anywhere near mucous) the idea is still the same…sucking it out of her nose.  Have you ever used one of these?  Despite what the picture makes you think, it’s not a special moment shared between you and your child.  There’s anger.  LOTS of baby anger and sweating.  With only two hands you have to hold her head, stick that thing in her nose, apply light pressure to create a seal and let it suck…in addition to dealing with a red, angry squirming baby who is trying to fend you off by pulling your hands away and trying to turn her head and screaming.  It’s like putting a suit of armor on a cat (I have attempted it…it was a very angry kitty, but he was ready for battle!  It actually took two of us…the breastplate was the hardest).  And in the end, all the crying makes even more mucous so the whole process becomes basically a waste and a needless torture.

So I did the humane thing and wrapped a bib around her neck and let ‘er drip.  If she was happy blowing snot bubbles with every exhale, then dammit, I was too.

All that aside, while your stomach turns seeing those snot bubbles, your heart simultaneously breaks as you feel her discomfort.  Whether its being a human kleenex or sitting up with her all night so she can sleep, you’ll do anything to make her feel better.  Because you’re her mom (or dad) and you love all her disgusting ways.

Now I’ve gotta go bathe in Purell…



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